RobertSpuhler.com

Political Analysts: People Like Us!

 
(Anyone who watches cable news on a regular basis won't be surprised by anything that follows in the next paragraphs, I know, but along with a resolution to post more here on this blog, this has really touched a nerve with me for some reason.)

Kirsten Powers appears frequently on Fox News under the title of “political analyst.” It's her job, one would presume, to know information, synthesize it, and transmit it, with her opinions, to the public.

Why Glee Sucks (Or The Triumph of Emotional Pornography)

(NOTE: Spoilers abound up ahead for the season finale of Glee. If you're that worried about what happened...well, I just don't know what to say.)

Would You Like Your Vanilla in Ice Cream or Pudding Form? - American Idol Finale

It’s Meghan’s fault.

You see, every year, I try to watch a little bit of American Idol, just so I can make jokes around the water cooler. Of course, I don’t have a water cooler at work. And it’s a part-time gig anyway. But you get the point.

Last year, I watched the finale. And I wrote about it.

This year, after falling asleep during one episode earlier in the season, I decided I was over it. But my friend Meghan had to start writing about it for the Atlantic. And she had to put up video clips, including these two affronts to music:

Idol Chatter (I'M SO CLEVER~!!)

It's okay to know what's going on in mainstream culture.

I have to keep reminding myself this. It turns out that being a music writer means knowing not just about tiny Canadian indie bands or going to hip-hop shows where there are more people on stage than in the audience.

So, tonight, I sat through the American Idol finale. And kept notes. Because it's therapeutic.

• We pick up late – because I had to drink myself into a stupor to sit for this – with the Idolites singing “So What,” by Pink. She's a rebel folks – her song is being sung by the only group of people that the cast of “Kids, Incorporated” could take in a street fight. Still a rock star, indeed.
• David Cook sang something. I can't be bothered.
• Now, the Idol Awards, or some such nonsense excuse for callbacks to the failed audition episodes from the beginning of the season. Does anyone out there really believe that three-quarters of these people aren't actors? Especially the kid who wins with some sort of alter-ego thing?
• What is a Lil Rounds? And why does Queen Latifah have to carry her around?
• Watching the commercials and the performances thus far, there's a blonde waif from this season prominently featured. How pissed do you think the producers are with the fairly inconspicuous duo they were left with? Let's not forget that all of the Idol winners whom have actually made a splash post-show were women.
• Jason Mraz reminds me why I hate him.
• Kris Allen and Keith Urban are next. Since when have Idolites been allowed to play instruments? And with Allen looking at Urban the entire song … I thought the other guy was gay?
• The Idolettes sing Glamorous by Fergie … and they're worse. Worse than Fergie. No, really. It's possible. Fergie comes out to sing one of her other songs after having beaten up a stripper at Jumbo's for her shoes.
• And where Fergie goes, the rest of the Peas can't be far behind – how else could her luggage get there? I'd talk more about their performance, but every time I see the band now, I just go to YouTube and remember a simpler time:
• More awards – hey Idol? Remember when your ratings for the crap singer shows were in the toilet? Because it doesn't seem like more of it is the secret to glory. Some half-naked and, to be frank, half-attractive woman wins for telling off the cougar judge, who then gets half-naked herself. Goodie. Hey, I don't have Cinemax anymore. Don't judge me.
• Parent interviews. No one tells Seacrest to piss off. America loses.
• Idolite-in-glasses sings with Lionel Ritchie. Because nothing says “contemporary resonance” like Lionel Ritchie. And it keeps going! Three song medley!
• I feel so late in the game with all this, because I just know that every single Paula Abdul-druggie-and-drunkard joke has been made. Right? Any ideas?
• Adam is GOING TO THUNDERDOME! What the hell is he wearing? And he's performing with KISS? I can't tell if this is sad or kinda awesome. I'm learning toward … the latter. Gulp.
• Does the Hard Rock really think that a residency from Carlos Santana is what's going to get them back in the game with it's core demographic - 21-30 year olds from southern California? Good luck with that.
• Kris singing Santana is high comedy.
• Ford music video. Here's your future of entertainment, folks. Blatant product placement - product obsession, really - because no one watches commercials. 
• Steve Martin? Steve Martin? STEVE MARTIN?!?!?!?! Dying. Inside. And he gets saddled with the tone-deaf blonde.
• Martin gets off the only funny line of the night, in response to Seacrest's "who will win" question: "I hope I do."
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Rod Stewart, from the boy Idolites. They all look so uncomfortable. 
• And this brings out (of the mausoleum) Mr. Stewart himself. And it's painful. I'm sorry, but there is a sell-by date, and he's past it. It's okay. We'll remember you. I promise.
• Another award thing, mocking bad female singers. I might have dated the third one. Oh, and look how she "hijacked" the show! Good thing the guy with the graphics was right there just in case!
• "We Are the Champions," and I'm just beaten into submission at this point. If this doesn't end on time, my head is going to explode.
• Almost 100 million votes. Yesterday, me and six other people voted on the LA ballot props.
• Country defeats Cure! Country defeats Cure! Seems like America got it wrong...and I just finished caring about it.

Worst Hair Ever

Found on Facebook: A "highlight" video from the American University college news broadcasts.

And seriously - none of you mother[expletives] could have said SOMETHING about my hair?

People That Make Me Hate America (One in a Series)

It's an Essay ... Who Needs Fact?

An essay that won a 6-year-old girl four tickets to a Hannah Montana concert began with the powerful line: "My daddy died this year in Iraq."   

While gripping, it wasn't true - and now the girl may lose her tickets after her mom acknowledged to contest organizers it was all a lie.

...

"We did the essay and that's what we did to win," Priscilla Ceballos, the mother, said in an interview with Dallas TV station KDFW. "We did whatever we could do to win."

Dear John...

Dear John C. McGinley,

You’re a really funny guy. Hilarious. You make Scrubs worth watching.

Please don’t do any more commercials.

I had hope for these Miller Lite ads, with you as commissioner of some sort of “Taste League” or something. But they basically took Dr. Cox and neutered him, watered him down (not surprising – it is Miller Lite, after all).

But today, while flipping around the networks, I see you doing solo person testimonials for the Champions Tour, the old folks home for golfers.

And all I have to say to that is, if you’re really desperate, you can come crash at my place for a while. Don’t let your mortgage force you to shill for the Senior PGA.

Why I Write - "Two Cathedrals"

Alright. I’m biased. I’ve always preferred wordy scripts. Television scripts or screenplays that sound more like stage plays. And I’m certainly biased towards Aaron Sorkin, first because he writes like the playwright that he is and second because he wrote Sports Night.

Caveats aside, there has never been an hour of television as good as the second season finale of The West Wing.

Whatever Happened To...

Holiday Spirit

I generally dislike holiday episodes of television shows ("…this week, on a very special Blossom…"), but Studio 60 knocked it out of the park Monday night, ending with a performance by trumpeter Tony Andrews and a backing band. They did "O Holy Night" and it was incredible. Their version should be available on ITunes (for free, purportedly), today. EDIT: Go here and look in the right sidebar.

The story line that set up the performance was touching, too – homeless jazz musicians from New Orleans were picking up fill-in gigs becuase LA session players all "got sick" for a bit to allow their brethren to pick up union cards and session fees.

And that’s the clunky segue to my friend Christian and his moustache.