It's okay to know what's going on in mainstream culture.
I have to keep reminding myself this. It turns out that being a music writer means knowing not just about tiny Canadian indie bands or going to hip-hop shows where there are more people on stage than in the audience.
So, tonight, I sat through the American Idol finale. And kept notes. Because it's therapeutic.
- We pick up late – because I had to drink myself into a stupor to sit for this – with the Idolites singing “So What,” by Pink. She's a rebel folks – her song is being sung by the only group of people that the cast of “Kids, Incorporated” could take in a street fight. Still a rock star, indeed.
- David Cook sang something. I can't be bothered.
- Now, the Idol Awards, or some such nonsense excuse for callbacks to the failed audition episodes from the beginning of the season. Does anyone out there really believe that three-quarters of these people aren't actors? Especially the kid who wins with some sort of alter-ego thing?
- What is a Lil Rounds? And why does Queen Latifah have to carry her around?
- Watching the commercials and the performances thus far, there's a blonde waif from this season prominently featured. How pissed do you think the producers are with the fairly inconspicuous duo they were left with? Let's not forget that all of the Idol winners whom have actually made a splash post-show were women.
- Jason Mraz reminds me why I hate him.
- Kris Allen and Keith Urban are next. Since when have Idolites been allowed to play instruments? And with Allen looking at Urban the entire song … I thought the other guy was gay?
- The Idolettes sing Glamorous by Fergie … and they're worse. Worse than Fergie. No, really. It's possible. Fergie comes out to sing one of her other songs after having beaten up a stripper at Jumbo's for her shoes.
- And where Fergie goes, the rest of the Peas can't be far behind – how else could her luggage get there? I'd talk more about their performance, but every time I see the band now, I just go to YouTube and remember a simpler time:
- More awards – hey Idol? Remember when your ratings for the crap singer shows were in the toilet? Because it doesn't seem like more of it is the secret to glory. Some half-naked and, to be frank, half-attractive woman wins for telling off the cougar judge, who then gets half-naked herself. Goodie. Hey, I don't have Cinemax anymore. Don't judge me.
- Parent interviews. No one tells Seacrest to piss off. America loses.
- Idolite-in-glasses sings with Lionel Ritchie. Because nothing says “contemporary resonance” like Lionel Ritchie. And it keeps going! Three song medley!
- I feel so late in the game with all this, because I just know that every single Paula Abdul-druggie-and-drunkard joke has been made. Right? Any ideas?
- Adam is GOING TO THUNDERDOME! What the hell is he wearing? And he's performing with KISS? I can't tell if this is sad or kinda awesome. I'm learning toward … the latter. Gulp.
- Does the Hard Rock really think that a residency from Carlos Santana is what's going to get them back in the game with it's core demographic - 21-30 year olds from southern California? Good luck with that.
- Kris singing Santana is high comedy.
- Ford music video. Here's your future of entertainment, folks. Blatant product placement - product obsession, really - because no one watches commercials.
- Steve Martin? Steve Martin? STEVE MARTIN?!?!?!?! Dying. Inside. And he gets saddled with the tone-deaf blonde.
- Martin gets off the only funny line of the night, in response to Seacrest's "who will win" question: "I hope I do."
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Rod Stewart, from the boy Idolites. They all look so uncomfortable.
- And this brings out (of the mausoleum) Mr. Stewart himself. And it's painful. I'm sorry, but there is a sell-by date, and he's past it. It's okay. We'll remember you. I promise.
- Another award thing, mocking bad female singers. I might have dated the third one. Oh, and look how she "hijacked" the show! Good thing the guy with the graphics was right there just in case!
- "We Are the Champions," and I'm just beaten into submission at this point. If this doesn't end on time, my head is going to explode.
- Almost 100 million votes. Yesterday, me and six other people voted on the LA ballot props.
- Country defeats Cure! Country defeats Cure! Seems like America got it wrong...and I just finished caring about it.
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