Car Trouble (It Must Be Summer)

It's easy to forget that the desert gets cold at night. Especially when the wind is blowing as hard as it was Tuesday evening (30 to 40 miles per hour, said the weather guy on television).

So I found myself in a cold swirl of sand at midnight this past Tuesday-into-Wednesday, stranded by the side of the road about a half-mile away from the California-Nevada state line. When I started my car, it sounded like the engine rods were banging on the hood. It wouldn't move. And the battery had gone with the engine, meaning that my headlights, and, importantly, my hazards would not work.

Let's back up.

MARCH - I HATE EZ LUBE

Most people in southern California already know about EZ Lube. Here's some history for those who don't.

After that report came out, I decided to start going to EZ Lube. Odd logic, I know, but with reason - after getting spanked on television and in print, the employees had to be on the job, right? They had to be well-supervised, right?

WEDNESDAY MORNING - MY HEAD EXPLODES

"The estimate comes to $10,300," the mechanic told me.

Then, there was a beat. A long, shocked beat.

My engine only had 48,000 miles on it, so it's under warranty. But, the mechanic explains, the death of the engine wasn't the engine's fault. When the EZ Lube mechanic changed the oil, (s)he didn't tighten the oil pan bolt properly (NOTE: I don't know car talk, and my head was in pieces. That's probably not what the part is called). When I started going 70 miles per hour on the freeway, the bolt loosened, to the point of falling off and spilling the entirety of the engine's oil all over the freeway across the California desert. Turns out, engines need oil.

A new engine, because of the advanced hybrid technology, costs $7,500. The labor runs a shade under $3,000.

TUESDAY NIGHT

The tow truck arrives at 1:30 a.m. from Henderson. A very nice man (and it should be noted that, when your car dies in the middle of the desert, everyone is really nice to you - like being some kind of bizzaro-birthday boy) put it on the back of its truck, dropped it at a Honda dealership, then had me at the Fiesta Hotel and Casino in Henderson by 2:45 a.m.

The Fiesta Hotel and Casino - in HENDERSON, NEVADA, on a TUESDAY NIGHT - is fully booked. Toyota conference in town, clearly here to terrorize me for not settling on a Prius instead.

I catch a cab to a hotel on the "other side" of town (read: five miles away). It will cost me $80 plus hotel taxes, etc., for me to have a hotel room for a grand total of five hours.

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON - PENALTY KICKS AND JACKASSES

The Findlay Honda in Henderson, Nev., has the nicest waiting lobby I've seen. It has it's own snack back and a 42 inch widescreen plasma television, where I watched the Champions League final.

The reason I was driving so late on Tuesday was so that I could be in Vegas in time to catch the 11:45 a.m. kickoff of the Chelsea-Manchester United match on Wednesday. Well, that mission (somewhat) accomplished.

Meanwhile, I'm stranded 250 miles away from LA, with no car (and certainly without $10,300).No one from EZ Lube corporate is answering the phone, which allows me to leave a series of ever-escalating-in-anger messages.

Finally, a return call, and some of the anxiousness starts to fade. I file a phone claim with a woman, who tells me someone else will be in touch. That evening, I get a call from another guy. They seem to be accepting blame. The only problem is that he wants to haul the car to Orange County and have it worked on by "his guys" there. I think about the Channel 4 investigation and hand him off to the Findlay Honda mechanic.

My parents, who were driving through Vegas that day (no, I'm not kidding - on the way to visit Grandma down in Lake Havasu) take me out to dinner and drop me off in Vegas. The interviews I was going to do are all off now, as I have no transit and the pieces are not timely anyway - I can catch them some other time.

THURSDAY - WAITING

Vegas can be hard to enjoy even at its best, thanks to the combination of possible alcohol poisoning, the chance of losing a lot of money, or - in my case - sitting next to a 73-year-old guy at Planet Hollywood and realizing that he is on the phone, negotiating with his hooker and trying to talk her down to $400 for "a BJ and tug." (NOTE: This is not a clever turn of phrase. This actually happened.)

It's damn near impossible when you're waiting to find out how you're going to get home.

So, I put a $20 or two into some slots (ended the trip up $37, which would not have gotten me a "BJ and a tug," I guess), I stayed out by the pool, and I walked the length of the Strip.

The call from EZ Lube comes late in the day, followed by one from Findlay. They're fighting over the corpse of my car. But I know that I get $35 a day in rental car costs reimbursed. All I needed to know, really.

FRIDAY - THANK GOD IT'S...

The 2008 Pontiac G6 is a very fast car. It doesn't shake at 90 miles per hour (a fact that, I swear, I had no intention of finding out). It has a nice stereo. And it can be yours for $178/week from Hertz.

The drive home features hail. In the desert. That's right. Hail. A perfect cap to the worst trip to Vegas in the history of Vegas or trips.

Comments

[josh]

Possible responses I have:

A) Wow.

B) You know there are TV's closer than Las Vegas that showed that match, right?

C) Wow.

D) I hope you've learned to never go to Vegas again.

E) Wow.

[Robert]

My responses to your responses:

1) I know.

2) So I've heard. But I had interviews to do on Wednesday afternoon, and if I didn't leave Tuesday night, I'd have been in the desert during the match, and I don't have DirectTV in my car.

3) I know!

4) Wrong. I've learned never to go to HENDERSON again.

5) I KNOW!